In loving memory of my three losses

This week has been very difficult for me, I lost my grandfather Saturday night/ Sunday morning, I recieved the news Sunday, Later that night the girl I love made ammends with the father of her child, Monday we had a huge fight, and needless to say, I lost two friendships due to it, and though I will always be there for them if they need, I found tonight that they will not return the favor, all though it's fully understandable, it causes me a great deal of pain. But it is times like these that make me a stronger, better person. Today was the wake for my grandpa, and much to my surprise, there are not as many shoulders to cry on as i thought and wished... For the two people who gave me support tonight when I called, Jay and Jayme, I thank you dearly, for those who I could not call due to the time i came home, I don't hold anything against you because it isn't your fault that i could not reach for your shoulders... I have made ammends with an old friend of mine, and I think I am becoming friends with a chick who has been like a sister to me since as long as i can remember, her being a best friend to my sister. I got to see my other sister today, one who i thought would never speak to me again... I've been strong this week, offering support to my family, though I've had several breakdowns, I've done my best. At this point, I can no longer be strong... Too much too soon has happened, and I need to let my heart break like it wants, so for a little while, i may not be able to offer much support to others, but i ask everyone to support me, hold me up, and help me stand... It may be rough on you, considering I have a tendancy of going crazy, and vengefull very often... Just do me the favor and just hold on, and be patient... Something the taxi driver told my grandma on her way to the hotel after my grandpa passed... Just remember, that though I have many faults, I have unconditional love for all those that I know, the ones who've done me wrong as well as right. I may hurt you, but I will ALWAYS care, I will ALWAYS be a shoulder when you need, and I ask that you do the same. Please help me through this time...

With this I will leave the lyrics to a song, that I wish to dedicate to my ex., this is what I now understand, and for those reading this, remember this song, it may help you someday...

"I can't make you love me"

By: Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Dear Grandpa,

Please watch over me, and keep me out of the trouble I like to get into. Give me the strength to help Grandma as well as the rest, before helping myself. Please forgive me for never accomplishing greatness during your lifetime, and help me figure out how before anyone else passes. Thank you for never letting me know that I've dissapointed or failed you. And please do not judge me now that you can see all things I do. Thank you for loving me and so many others. Thank you for being my grandpa. I will always love and miss you. May you spread wings, and fly to where ever you desire. I will miss hearing you say "what's the word, bird?" and I will miss you're shirlock holmes hats and pipes... I will miss everything about you... And please no, that I've never seen a single flaw about you... Thank you for everything... Love always

~Amanda

Rest In Peace,

Russell V. Honrud,

8-29-1933 till 3-18-2007